Terrible Things
by SSA Ariadne Felicity Grey
Summary: Lovers are those who are too young to notice how awful and cruel life can be, and too dumb to care about it. Love makes you feel powerful, invincible, untouchable. Love is a weakness, a soft spot, a burden. Kuroba Kaito learns the hard way. "Don't fall in love if she's too much to lose." Kuroba Kaito X Female! Kudou Shinichi.


**Author's Ramble: Okay, this is just sad and depressing and just generally tragic, both the plot and my sorry ass attempt at "expanding my horizons as a writer by writing something** _ **other**_ **than cerebral-hemmorhage-inducing-fluff-sap-pseudo-romance". Yep.**

 **I apologize to** _Shana-Fujioka_ **especially. If you're reading this sad sack of fiction, I'm sorry I didn't deliver the lighter, funner version of** _ **"Interruption"**_ **instead of this.**

 **Don't hate me too much, please. I'm working on a blushing, stuttering** _ **jealous**_ **hot mess Kuroba Kaito (And Kaitou Kid ~_^) and will be posting soon.**

 **And to the rest, don't be too blunt on how this sucks. Please? ^^;;;**

 **Disclaimer: Guys, Shinichi will be female and married off to Kaito if DC/MK were ever to come into my sole possession.**

* * *

The beginning of the end was marked by Kaito cooing "I love you" on the phone.

Class 4-B didn't mean to overhear *cough*eavesdrop*cough*. It was just a bit too interesting for the resident prankster to take a call in favor of his usual rancorous shenanigans.

Coupled with Kaito's increasingly unusual behavior these past few weeks (like trading skirt-flipping and glitter bombs for bubbled butterflies and rose petal showers, staring off into the distance out the window during class and skipping the last period of the day for some reason, to name some), the class seemed justified as they tiptoed out their classroom, into the corridor, past others' classrooms whose teachers had just arrived, as if one stealthy organism, a few meters behind their mischievous magician who had taken a perch on the steps of a deserted stairwell to take the call.

Kaito sat on the third step from the bottom, took a few moments to smile wistfully at the screen of his phone as if admiring something precious and perfect (the only thing they could think of that was on that screen was the caller's name and probably a picture, either that or a photo of a flashflood or volcanic eruption considering Kaito liked chaos and discord enough to take pleasure from such a sight), while the shrill cry of anguish from Hakuba Saguru pierced the still air.

Hakuba, who was a part of the giant mass of curious students, simultaneously faceplanted and shuddered at the memory of _That_ prank. Capitalization and italicization required.

When Aoko told him Kaito made his screams of torment his own personal ringtone, it was too disturbing to know of at the time that the Englishman somehow buried it deep within his psyche and only now recalled with horror.

Then Kaito hummed a tune they could not place and tapped the screen, pressing the phone to his left ear.

"Hey. Miss me already?" Kaito laughed cheekily, but his expression was fond and sweet.

A murmur across the line made him smile the same wistful smile from a moment ago.

"Yeah, I know."

The voice on the other line replied with something that made Kaito laugh.

"But that's why you love me~"

The voice grew a touch louder, loud enough for the class to detect a hint of acid that couldn't have merited the sugary laughter Kaito responded with.

"And that's why _I_ love _you_."

The voice was softer now, almost shy.

And Kaito's blue-violet eyes softened as well, to the quality of those colorful feathers middleschoolers liked to pin unto their pens.

"I really do, you know. Love you, I mean."

Now, Kaito was a deplorable flirt with no sense of shame whatsoever, a streak of perversion and lecherousness miles wide and as much respect for personal space and dignity as a thief might care if the pretty little shiny trinket he has his eye on belonged to someone else.

So, naturally, a love confession from Kuroba Kaito was to be taken with the proverbial grain of salt, an eyeroll, a laugh and a shrug.

He would never actually mean it.

But the hesitant, spontaneous effort to ensure the listener on the other line knew he meant what he had said made Aoko clutch the ribbon of her uniform, where a phantom ache and an illusionary tightness could be felt.

The class, surprised and a bit amazed, listened in on the one-sided conversation.

"Yes?"

"Anything."

"Of course. Why would I ever doubt that?"

"Wha-Why-"

"Okay. Okay I promise."

The unmasked bliss Kaito exuded just moments ago darkled into what resembled worry, concern and confusion as their classmate's brow crinkled, his eyebrows bunched, eyes squinted and mouth settled into a line, his back arched as if to curl inwards on his seat.

"Shinichi, what's going on? Are you okay? What's this all about?""

"Okay. Okay. All right. I'm cool. Tell me."

"After? After what?"

"Why? Are you going on a trip? Is it to that internship at the NYPD or the one at the FBI?"

Kaito remained silent for a few minutes more, then he beamed.

"Hey, things are going to be okay. We flew a crashing plane, no casualties, we'll get through this."

And Akako, in a voice soft and worn with age and wisdom she could not possibly possess for someone as beautiful and young as her herself, murmured. "Kuroba _-kun_ shouldn't go on any of his "adventures" in the future. He needs all the luck he has."

* * *

After that incident, Kaito was even more vibrant and effervescent.

He laughed a lot and joked a bunch and spent every waking moment both in and out of class living up to his reputation as the prankster magician he was always proud to be.

He was flamboyant and extravagant, filled with flowers and sparks and glitter and color that every day was like a perpetual show for Class 4-B.

It scared Hakuba. It worried Aoko. It disturbed Akako.

Because they and the rest of the class just couldn't shake off the feeling they were watching a performer's final act.

* * *

Though Kaito had admittedly mellowed just before the phone call, and throughout the spike of energy that followed, one peculiar trait of Kaito stayed.

He still skipped the final class of the day.

Yet, the day came when he skipped the last _two_ classes, then the rest of the afternoon periods, then there were days he didn't come to school altogether.

There were no heists coming up, according to Hakuba, so even he was curious and a little troubled at his grudging friend's sudden truancy.

Aoko found out nothing from the magician's mother, other than she too was growing increasingly worried over her son.

Then Kaito just upped and disappeared for two weeks.

Chikage flew commercial at 3 A.M. from Paris to come back to Japan when she heard.

Trying to placate a frantic Aoko and an angry Nakamori _-keibu_ ready to tear down the entirety of Ekoda in search for his surrogate son and traumatize some officers from the Missing Persons Department into action, she explained the situation as calmly and concisely as possible.

"Kaito has been dating this girl, you see. A sweet child, honestly. Very smart and Kaito adores her." Chikage began, a cup of milktea in her hand, with Aoko and Nakamori _-keibu_ on the other side of her home's breakfast nook.

"Shinichi _-chan_ \- you may have heard of her, Nakamori _-keibu_ \- is... sick. Very sick." The woman of the home bowed her head slightly, her head cocked to the side as if the weight of the actual truth lodged in her mind like a stray bullet was too much for her to hold her head up.

" _Ara_ , so that's why.." Aoko whispered wonderously, remembering the name Kaito had spoken with such repressed emotion on the phone weeks ago, yet the higher octave expressed her anxiety.

"Kudou _-san_? She used to hang around the heist locations a while back when she first came back from that "Black Organization Case". She was... very helpful. Real sharp, that kid." Nakamori _-keibu_ sighed reluctantly.

"Yes. Kaito's been with her during her... recovery. He's with her right now, actually, in Beika. So, please don't worry anymore, Aoko _-chan,_ Nakamori- _keibu_. Kaito's fine." The woman reassured enthusiastically.

The woman escorted the father and daughter to the doorway.

"Well, I hope Kudou _-san_ gets better then... The taskforce really likes her." Nakamori _-keibu_ gave a curt nod, but no one could mistake the fondness he had for the teenage sleuth.

"Thank you, Chikage _-san_. But that BaKaito is really going to get a whooping when he gets back to school for making us all worry!" The inspector's daughter pumped a fist into the air, then slowly she brought the clenched hand to her chest and for a moment revealed her true torment, her pretty face scrunched up, blue eyes misty.

"I wish Kudou _-chan_ well, Chikage _-san_." Aoko bowed.

Chikage's lips turned upward. Such a trooper, this girl. Maternal instincts. Only a woman could know another woman's pain.

She hugged the girl to her.

"You will always be a daughter to me. Both you and Shinichi _-chan_."

She waved the two off into the night with a smile that lit up the dark porch.

Chikage shut the door and when she was certain no one could hear, she mumbled to herself, or God or Fate or Luck.

"I only wish I won't lose one of you so soon, my girls."

* * *

A week after the meeting with the Nakamoris and the Kuroba household's matriarch, Kaito came back to school.

And if the subdued quality of his demeanor, the dark rings around his eyes and the slump in his posture didn't distress and agitate the class enough, the blonde woman's visit sure did.

It was lunch time, the time of day when Kaito was usually at his best, chattering with classmates, passing roses to anything with a skirt and a pulse and just generally being the personification of a supernova, bright, warm, loud and signalling impending doom for anything in its general vicinity.

The day of Kaito's return, however, he more resembled a star that has finally burned through what gave it its light and heat, moments away from collapsing in on itself.

In whispered concerns and sneaking glances, Class 4-B exchanged their worries.

A preternatural silence seemed to suck the atmosphere from the crowded room, leaving an airtight vacuum where the aromas of packed lunches could not permeate and hushed buzzing of conversations died.

The force that rendered the air motionless was a lovely, petite strawberry-blonde in a maroon sweater underneath a white labcoat, a delicate hand on the sliding door of the room.

" _Konnichiwa,_ _minna-san_. May I speak with Kuroba Kaito?" Her voice was what one imagined arctic ice in the sun would sound like.

Surreptitiously from the corner of all of their eyes, blue-violet gas flames burned against the woman's aquamarine ice.

"Kuroba _-kun_ , I need you to speak with you. Urgently."

The air that was once still as engraved stone now seemed electrocuted by some unseen energy, charged by an explosive emotion none of them could identify.

Akako could feel an undeniable grief in it the air, though. A heavy tragedy that weighed on the woman... And on Kaito as well.

But it wasn't only Akako who felt the weight lift the second Kaito shut the door.

Aoko was the first to move, silently opening the door an inch open, an ambiguous fear in the pit of her stomach.

Through the door's small window, she could see Kaito and the blonde at the end of the hallway.

The blonde was calm, her lips barely opening as she spoke.

Kaito muttered in response to whatever the woman had said, yet his words must've been unexpected when her blue-green eyes went wide, her head then bowed, caramel-brown locks falling over her pretty, crestfallen face.

Kaito continued his speech with growing ferocity and unwavering calm. Then the woman handed him something far too small to be seen from this distance, her lips moving once more before she walked away.

He was leaning against the larger window of the corridor, the sunlight that used to embrace him, now weaved around his hunched figure, shadowing his choirboy face, and with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders tense, he cut a more intimidating figure than Aoko ever imagined.

Whatever the blonde woman gave Kaito, however, it glittered in the sunlight.

* * *

A month of inconsistent attendances and Kaito dropped out of school altogether, three months before graduation.

He gave Aoko a hug. A thumbs up and an eye-wiggle at Hakuba. And a silent nod to Akako.

The rest of the class was a mess of laughs, screams and jokes.

Kaito gave them a final smirk and waved goodbye.

That crooked smile and broken eyes were all they had to remember him by.

They would miss him.

They really would.

* * *

Kuroba Kaito stared at the airport's bay window with the eyes only a cadaver would have, blank, hazy and dead.

The past month reeled through his mind like a forensic team poring through captured evidence, trying yet failing to find where the hell it all went wrong.

* * *

He was in the middle of a really awesome trick that involved an octopus, grapes and a piece of chalk tied with a pink ribbon.

Don't ask.

Right before his great reveal, however, Hakuba's screaming ruined everything.

Grumbling, he shoved his glitter-coated hand into his uniform's pocket, yanked the phone out and about to scowl at whoever had the gall to ruin what could've been his best, most radical trick ever...

 **"Pyriel"**

 **KUDOU SHINICHI**

... only to break into a goofy, dopey grin at the sight of the sleeping girl of the emboldened name above.

He had skipped down the hall, completely forgetting both his performance and his petrified classmates.

He sat at the stairwell practically no one uses, and took a few more moments to just relish the photo of his detective so innocent and vulnerable. She'd kill him if she ever found out he took the picture.

"Hey. Miss me already?"

Because he sure did miss her.

 _"Kaito, I love you."_

The declaration made his heart skip and his breath catch, yet he hid his elation behind a cocky retort.

"Yeah, I know."

 _"Way to ruin the moment. You are so full of yourself, you have enough mass and density to have your own atmosphere."_

Oh, his snarky girl.

"But that's why you love me~"

 _"Seriously, why did I date you again? You're literally a child in an adult's body that sometimes I think the only reason we're together is because of our profound sense of irony, seeing as how I was once an_ adult _in the body of a_ child. _"_

"And that's why _I_ love _you_."

Her sharp tongue and quick mind and her secret kindness and rare smiles...

"I really do, you know. Love you, I mean."

Because he really did. It was almost insane, really. How much he loved her. And that she had no idea how much he loved her. He exhaled breathlessly.

 _"Hey... Kai...?"_

The nickname got him grinning again.

"Yes?"

 _"Could you promise me a few things?"_

"Anything."

He would promise her the moon and the stars and the ocean and the sun and all of the cliche, romantic declamations of grandeur any lovestruck fool could make.

 _"Promise me... Promise me, you know that I love you. Promise you know that I love you, and that you'll... that you'll never doubt, no matter what, that I... love you..."_

"Of course. Why would I ever doubt that?"

To doubt that was to doubt her and he would never doubt her.

 _"Okay. Okay. Next, I need you... to promise me... that no matter what happens,_ no matter what _, you'll be okay."_

That was peculiar. "Wha-Why-"

 _"You'll be okay. You'll move on, go on. You'll_ live _. You'll survive and_ thrive. _Promise me you'll go on... Promise me... Please."_

Something was wrong. It was in the pauses and the repetitions and the way her voice sounded grated and hoarse and frantic so he promised, he promised if that would calm her and make her happy. "Okay. Okay. I promise."

 _"Even if... Even if... It's... without me."_

And that _terrified_ him. _Horrified_ him, even. "Shinichi, what's going on? Are you okay? What's this all about?"

 _"And last. Don't freak out. Promise you won't freak out. I won't tell you if you're going to freak out."_

"Okay. Okay. All right. I'm cool. Tell me." He needed to know. Was she going to leave him?

He knew he was a thief and she was a detective and they were breaking about fourteen written laws and several unspoken ones as well and they were probably the most overused forbidden romance plot in the universe not to mention he was loud and obnoxious and insensitive and perverted...

 _"Haibara... Haibara, told me to tell you. I didn't want to. I don't want to. But she said it'll hurt more if I don't, hurt_ worse _if you found out... after."_

He blinked. "After? After what?"

 _"After I'm... gone."_

"Why? Are you going on a trip? Is it to that internship at the NYPD or the one at the FBI?"

 _"No... After I... die."_

 _"Haibara discovered a flaw in the antidote. Apparently it won't be stable for much longer. At some point in time, it'll combine dangerously with the APTX-9869 still in my system. The antidote might become a catalyst instead, reactivating the apotoxin."_

 _"Haibara's still finding a way to counteract it when- if, it ever happens."_

And like a cemented body thrown into the sea, the terrible truth sank in.

She was going to die.

No, she wouldn't. She's been through too much, through hell and back. She was going to be okay. They were going to be okay. She was in for some good luck, happy times. Life wasn't that cruel to allow Death to take her away when she had just lived through it.

"Hey, things are going to be okay. We flew a crashing plane together, no casualties, we'll get through this."

They will.

Things were too bad for too long.

This was just a foul ball. A cruel joke, but just a joke. Hahahaha, God. Funny. You got us. Where's the punchline?

* * *

He didn't mean to explode at Haibara- _san_ like he did.

He told himself to calm down, reciting the words _"Poker Face, Poker Face_ " over and over again in his head the femtosecond he heard the biochemist's voice and knew that the inevitable had come.

It wasn't Haibara's fault. She was doing- _did_ her best. There was nothing more that could've been done.

He knew that. He told himself that. Over and over and over.

So if it happens- _when_ it happens, he wouldn't accidentally murder her in a fit of grief and desperation.

But he really didn't expect her to come to his school. He expected a phone call, maybe. Or to be told when he undoubtedly came by in a few hours more.

Mostly because he wanted to believe that there was still hope, and Haibara standing there at his classroom's doorway, looking urgent yet solemn, just shattered any delusion he still held on to and he hated her for unnecessary efficiency, hated her for ripping away the already fragile yet still hopeful reality he resided in, so quick, so _ready_ to spread the word that Kudou Shinichi was _dead_.

"She passed away this morning, exactly 5:30 A.M."

He was staring up at the ceiling that time, debating whether he should go to school or head over to Beika Memorial Hospital.

Once Shinichi's health began to decline, immune system already weak from the antidote after it was administered about a year ago yet still not fully recovered, her bodily defenses just shut down, making her even more vulnerable to a variety of illnesses that simply further aided the poison in her body.

The APTX-9869 worked by disintegrating bodily cells to nonexistence, triggering the lysosomes that contain an enzyme that makes the cell kill itself or "commit suicide".

Ordinarily, the lysosomes were only used during infections and sicknesses where white blood cells "eat" foreign bodies in the system like bacteria and germs and once "full", the lysosomes release the enzyme, killing the sickness-inducing mircroorganism along with the cell itself.

The apotoxin would drive the suicide organelles into overdrive and the result is melting bones, evaporating muscle tissue and fat deposits and basically you disappear into thin air after going through what butter does in a hot pan.

At first, Haibara insisted the detective be treated within the confines of Agasa _-hakase_ 's home, since her special case warranted care that could only be provided by the creator of the medical abomination.

Yet with her dwindling health and spontaneous other complications that arose from her barely functioning immune system, Haibara conceded to a private hospital.

The pseudo-nine-year-old took the antidote that reactivated the apotoxin so she could take the position as Shinichi's primary doctor, seeing as normal medicines would prove as ineffective as placebos, since the apotoxin was a drug that was invented in the service of death and harm, and a certain blend of normal pharmaceuticals may either further harm the detective or increase the speed of her destruction.

"The antidote won't combine with the apotoxin in me since the poison I used was different to the one used on you, Kudou _-san_." Haibara, now Miyano Shiho Ph.D., informed the sleuth when Haibara walked into her hospital room and the expression the delirious detective still conveyed her worry and anxiety over the possibility that what was happening to her could happen to someone else.

Kaito couldn't forget that. And he was certain that he would never allow the coolly speaking scientist forget as well.

"Well, I'm glad _you're_ alive." Kaito broke into her speech on Shinichi's final few hours, sarcastic scorn evident.

He didn't need to know that. She was gone. His angel, his detective was _gone_ and the ones responsible for her death were still _here_.

The injustice, the unfairness of it all weighed down on him, pressed on him and he felt as though the entirety of the sea's nautical pressure was on his back, the entire world was on his shoulders and he was about to burst, _explode_ from the pressure, the heat, the weight-

"It was _soooooo_ worth her dying, alone, afraid and in pain so _you,_ who has given so much to the world, who has captured killers and brought down evil organizations and inspired children and pet puppies can survive and provide the world with your warmth and light and laughter for the rest of your oh-so wonderful, oh-so vital "life"." Kaito whispered in an even tone of growing disdain, drawing parallels between this cold woman and his dead, rotting- oh, wait no body, right the apotoxin literally _disintegrates_ the body- in a deliberate, childish effort to hurt her, _anyone._

He was lashing out and he knew it. But knowing it didn't mean he could stop it.

The shock on Haibara's face gave Kaito a smug kind of satisfaction, a dirty, awful sense of false justice more akin to petty revenge that gave him a bittersweet thrill, a feeling of being _alive_ that Shinichi slowly sapped from him when her life was stolen.

He knew he was going to regret it. He knew Haibara wasn't to blame, knew she was a pawn in the Black Organization's twisted, manipulative game, knew she was a victim just as Shinichi is- _was,_ knew she as well was alone and afraid and in pain and thtat she too was grappling with the loss, with the hurt of losing another loved one (though she would never admit it out loud) and the guilt of being her unwitting executioner and he should have said "The hands that forge the ax are not stained when it is swung." but he _couldn't give a damn._

He opened his mouth in expectation of another slur of harsh, biting words that was entirely unbecoming of him and undeserving of her, but all that escaped him was a mewl that sound much too much like the final breath of life he has.

When he spoke no more, Haibara pulled something from her pants' pocket and placed in the hand he hadn't even known he had extended, with more gentleness and understanding then he deserved.

She turned her back on him and said in voice that was heavy and dark like a storm cloud about to burst.

"This is what Kudou _-san_ hated most about... death. Any death. The ones left behind."

A sideways glance at him said it all.

 _I don't blame you. I don't hold it against you. I deserved that. It's okay._

And when he met her blue-green eye in a softer manner then before, she got the message.

 _I don't really blame you. It really wasn't your fault. It's not okay. I'm so sorry._

The woman walked away and as the distance between them increased, her stature decreased and seemingly before his eyes, a woman became a child.

In his hand was a diamond engagement ring.

* * *

 _It was pouring rain.  
_

 _Normally he doesn't mind it, not that he likes it but rather he is usually indifferent to it._

 _But tonight is special. Tonight, he expected moonlight and stars over rose petals and a candlelit dinner._

 _But when sapphire-blue eyes and porcelain cheeks jeweled with beads of raindrops that shimmered like liquid diamonds look up at him, he decides he doesn't mind this as well, tightening his ribboned arms around her small waist, pressing her back to his chest._

 _She tears herself away from and in his surprise, he lets her go._

 _The rain was unexpected so both he and she didn't bother with umbrellas when he picked her up at her home._

 _The assumption is quickly proven wrong when fat, heavy drops like tears fall from the dark sky._

 _They are much too far from the Kudou manor to run and he doesn't want her to get wet what with how easily she is over powered by a bout of sniffles or whooping cough these days._

 _He had pulled her under a waiting shed and for a moment she was content watching the rain sluice over the scenery._

 _"Shinichi! Get back here! You'll get sick!" He calls after her, weighing the action of running after her and dragging her back to the small dry haven or the inaction of just keep calling her._

 _The girl pays him no mind, looking up at the sky like they were snowflakes rather than pelting rain._

 _He sucks in deep for another bellow when she beats him to it._

 _"Come on, Kai!" She yells running back towards him._

 _His reprimand dies in his throat when wet, cold fingers fit in-between his own._

 _The smile, so rare and sweet, she beams at him brightens the gloomy day._

 _"Let's stay here for a while." She says in a rare act of mirth and childlike wonder._

 _He allows himself to be pulled into the deluge, suddenly aware of the others who have taken refuge from the storm, laughing delightedly at what he assumes was the couple getting drenched in the downpour like kids._

 _She stops and faces him and they dance clumsily in the rain, a silly farce that makes Shinichi giggle in a most un-Shinichi like way, yet Kaito adores the once-in-a-blue-moon expression so much, so vulnerable and unguarded and precious that he simply basks in her warmth._

 _He twirls her with one hand, her petite form slipping perfectly underneath his raised arm._

 _Laughter bubbles out of her, her wet hair sticking to her pale, cold face like black paint, lips skinned and red and white dress (since he told her to dress semi-formally for what he had in mind) muddy and wet enough to wring out enough water to keep a family of four hydrated for three days._

Beautiful, _he thinks. And that this is as good a time as any. Screw the restaurant._

 _While the detective is busy with her uncontrolled amusement with precipitation, he slides a fine silver engagement ring in a black velvet box, the single star cut jewel glittering with streetlight._

 _Her laughter subsides but before another fit of giggles seize her, shock freezes her as the rain and wind could not._

 _He takes the ring out of its container, careful not to drop it due to wet fingers or shaking hands, he slips it on the girl's dainty, slim finger._

 _She presses her finger towards him, understanding his intentions. "You moron, we're like,_ eighteen-years old."

 _He takes her hand but does not move to take back his proposal, kissing the ringed finger._

 _"Exactly. Time to plan for the future, Shin-_ chan." _He grins cheekily, enthusiasm belying his anxiety._

 _"Kaito, we're barely out of high school." She states matter-of-factly, back to her old no-nonsense self._

 _"So...?" He simpers impishly._

 _"Soooo... Isn't this a bit too early? What if..." She trails off in an uncharacteristic show on uncertainty._

 _"What if...?" He inquires curiously, momentarily forgetting this might be a rejection._

 _"What if... We meet other people?" She tries and immediately knows it was a mistake._

 _The freezer-burn storm was nothing compared to the turmoil in Kaito's eyes, the violet of a lightning-streaked night sky._

 _The grip on her waist surprises a gasp out of her._

 _"Then I destroy whoever the poor devil is and lock you up in a basement somewhere."_

 _She laughs at his possessive seriousness and he simply declares with unnerving confidence._

 _"You are mine,_ Meitantei-chan _. And if you say otherwise, I will simply prove you wrong."_

 _The laughter grows and bursts._

 _"You never really gave me an option to refuse, huh?" She chuckles into his Kid smirk._

* * *

"Our flight's leaving in about twenty minutes. Do you want to get something to eat first?"

The boy doesn't seem to hear, purple eyes usually bright and sparkling like twin amethysts that have captured a portion of sunlight, now dull, flat as if they were paper cutouts glued onto a ceramic mask.

The only sign of life in his body was his fingers fiddling with a silver diamond engagement like it was a string of prayer beads that with enough devotion could raise the dead.

Kuroba Chikage's breath hitches at the sight.

"Oh, Honey…" She whispers more to herself than to him, and sits down beside her boy in another cool yet uncomfortable plastic chair.

The scurrying crowd and voiceover of various incoming and outgoing flights are indifferent to the woman scooping a high school boy into her arms, smoothing his brown bird's nest hair.

She realizes that the last time she had held Kaito like this was about ten years ago, when Toichi came home in the form of ashes in an urn instead of with doves and flowers.

"Does it go away, _'Kaa-san_? Will it ever stop?" His voice stops her quick trip to the past.

One look into her son's blue-violet eyes, like indigo mirrors into her own soul, and no words were needed.

And she is desperate to tell him that, yes, the pain _does_ go away, the hurt _will_ stop one day…

 _The time will come when you won't expect her to be by your side when you wake up in the morning, reading case files and drinking coffee._

 _And that when something wonderful happens, you won't be halfway through dialing her number to tell her before you remember that she won't be there to answer, then you take her phone out of the drawer just to hold it for a while, it really was nice of Jii_ -san _'s doctor friend, Agasa_ -kun _to let you have it._

 _The time when you'll be doing magic again and you won't be out the door, on your way to the train station just because you want to show her first, only to stop at the gate and slump on the pavement like you've been doing last week._

 _And you won't rush the second the bell rings because you need to pick her up, she's waiting for you, then your eyes widen, and Kaito you scared Aoko_ -chan _that time when you sat back down and just wouldn't snap out of it._

 _Someday, you'll be able to think again without missing her._

 _And you'll be able to envision a future even without her_

 _Someday, Kaito…_

 _You become okay again._

 _Nothing really does hurt forever._

She wants to tell him, she wants him to know the soul-piercing ache dulls and fades and that you can still be happy even if you can never be complete again.

Like with Toichi's murder ten years ago, she wants to protect him from the worst of the pain.

But like with Toichi's assassination, she will not be able to do it forever, that the day will come when Kaito would inevitably discover for himself the truth of the depth such a loss reaches.

"It will, Sweetie. It will." She coos at him, combing her delicate fingers through her little boy's hair, excusing the deception for now.

 _You don't have to know how much it still aches._

 _You don't have to know that I don't expect Toichi to be there when I open my eyes, but I have never stopped hoping._

 _And that I still wash his costume and iron out the creases, dust off his top hat, pretending he has a big show and has to look his very best, my handsome man._

 _And when I'm alone overseas, I make his favorite meals and eat only his favorite meals._

 _That I watch magic shows because it's the only way I feel closer to him._

 _And that the reason I leave so often, that I leave_ you _because Honey, Sweetie, Baby Boy, you look so much like your Daddy, act_ too much _like your Daddy but also so much like_ me _that it hurts all over again every single time I look at you, every single itty bitty thing you do, makes me love you so much, makes me so proud of you and so_ afraid for you _but also it hurts because I see all the way things could've been but_ didn't _but I would never want this for you, would never want what happened to me and Toichi happen to_ you.

 _Because, though nothing hurts forever, sometimes it hurts like the very first day all over again.  
_

 _And you become okay, but only okay. Never anything more._

She holds him tighter to her. And stashes the harsh truth of a life that will always be lived in the shadow of those who have left, deep within the confines of her own wounded and bruised heart, ready to be pried out when his own painful epiphany will deem it necessary.

" _Flight 0054: Tokyo Departure to London, Now Boarding at Gate 7. Please proceed to booking. Thank you."_

Chikage reluctantly releases Kaito, wary to be letting her boy back into the mercy (or mercilessness) of cold, cruel Fate.

"Ready, Honey?" She cups her boy's cheek, wet with silent tears.

He glances back at the bay window, where planes streaked the skies like large white birds.

"I promised her, _'Kaa-san._ "

He would live.

He would go on.

Just not here.

* * *

 **Author's Ramble: Really, why did I do this?**

 **If tears silently slid down your face, this was a minor success. If you hated this, don't incinerate me into ashes just so I won't produce crap like this again.**

 **^^;;; Please.**

 **Inspired by "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade.**


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